


Late in the Day, Without Grace

by Penny_P



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 18:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19729654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penny_P/pseuds/Penny_P
Summary: After seven years in the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn comes to a conclusion about her first officer.





	Late in the Day, Without Grace

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by an interview with Kate Mulgrew that happened late in the show's run, maybe season 6 or 7. When asked whether she thought a romantic relationship between Janeway and Chakotay would ever develop, she replied that she thought it was "too late in the day" for that to be accomplished "with any grace." I disagreed, and frankly, grace is overrated.

_In two more minutes, I am going to kill someone_ , Kathryn thought. _Maybe myself_.

"They refuse –" the Ardelian representative shouted in her right ear.

"They persist-" the Bentakkan representative yelled into her left ear before the Ardelian finished his sentence.

_Dilithium. I agreed to mediate this dispute to get dilithium._

"We offered-"

"We sacrificed-"

_I wonder if the engines can be converted to run on leola root._

"We only need-"

"We only want-"

Chakotay stepped up to the table. "Gentleman, I suggest we take a break. You have both stated your positions admirably; the Captain needs to consider them before beginning the separate discussions."

The Ardelian rose quickly, transparently eager to appear cooperative and reasonable. "Quite right, Commander."

"Of course," the Bentakkan said, not to be outdone. "Perhaps we can return to your dining hall for more of that tasty casserole your Mr. Neelix prepared."

_Wonderful man. He can tell my head is pounding. No wonder I love him._

_Wait. What?_

_I love him._

Kathryn managed to smile at the representatives as they left the conference room, but she was shaken to her core. For nearly seven years she had successfully sublimated and suppressed every emotion stronger than amity for her first officer. They had settled into a comfortable, even satisfying, friendship. Why in the name of the seven hells of Ventax would she decide that she loved him in the middle of a vital mediation?

Perhaps her subconscious had a warped sense of humor.

"Kathryn?"

She looked up into the eyes of the source of her discomfort. Eyes that were dark and expressive even when he was trying to hide his thoughts. Sometime in the last seven years she had learned to read those eyes. He was concerned, she saw, but trying not to be over-protective of her.

Suddenly she wanted to touch his cheek and reassure him. Her hand almost itched with the need. She tucked it under her leg.

"Sorry," she said, trying to regain her composure. "They're a bit more aggravating than I anticipated."

"I could see your head throbbing across the table." He took his customary seat, immediately to her left. "We could adjourn until tomorrow if you like. I can make some kind of excuse."

"No," she said quickly – too quickly, she realized at once from the way he reacted. "I want to get this over with today if possible. I don't think I can take more than that."

The truth was, she wanted to get her mind focused on the problem. On their problem, not the one she had just created for herself. It's just a matter of discipline. With an effort she forced herself to smile. "You were right. I need to consider their positions before I meet with them separately. Any thoughts?"

"The Bentakkans may have the legally better claim to the planet, but the Ardelians have turned it into a religious issue. You aren't going to persuade them to give up their rights using a logical argument. This may be one time…"

_He's lost some weight. Why didn't I notice that before? When was the last time I saw him out of uniform?_

"…they really want."

She gave herself a mental shake. What had he just said? "Yes," she said slowly, trying to look thoughtful, "the religious angle certainly complicates things."

It was apparently not quite the right thing to say, because he looked even more concerned. "Should I ask the Doctor to come up?"

"No, I'm fine. Why do you think I need the Doctor?"

"Well, for one thing, I don't think you're tracking this conversation. I just said that I think the religious angle may be masking another motive, and you replied that the religious angle complicates things. If your head hurts that much, you should ask the Doctor for an analgesic."

Her face warmed with embarrassment. "I'm sorry. I am having a little trouble concentrating, but I don't need the Doctor. Let me summarize. The Bentakkans claim the planet by right of discovery and of colonization, although there was a gap of a hundred years between the two. In that gap, the spiritual leader of the Ardelians visited and experienced a direct revelation from their god, thereby making it a sacred place of veneration for Ardelians across the sector. There is a temple, a monastery and a sanctified preserve that the Ardelians wish to protect. It's just possible that the preserve also holds the mother lode of the dilithium deposits on the planet, which the Bentakkans need to exploit to maintain their economy. And since a dilithium mine wouldn't hurt the Ardelian economy, either, I need to find out if their motives are truly religious or if they want to mine the area as well."

His smile caused her heart to flip over. "My apologies. You are tracking perfectly."

_I don't want to be without him anymore._

_What does he want? Is it too late?_

"Captain?"

"I… I was just thinking. In some ways, this reminds me of the dispute over Jerusalem on Earth."

"And it only took two thousand-plus years to settle that one." He gave her one final look, trying to decide whether she was concealing something. She fervently hoped she was. "Who do you want first?"

"Let Representative Kral enjoy his casserole. I'll meet with Ardelia's finest first."

_What am I going to do?_

Thirteen very long hours later, she sat in the mess hall, staring at something Neelix called "vegetable croquettes." Tuvok sat across from her; she had briefed him on the results of the mediation, but now sat silently, contemplating her dinner.

"The meal is quite pungent. You will want to have water available."

"What?" Kathryn realized she had been pushing an innocent croquette around her plate with a fork. "Oh. Yes, I'm sure it's fine." She split one open, but simply looked at it. It was decidedly orange, with bits of blue and green and yellow.

"Captain?" Tuvok sounded hesitant. "You seem distracted."

"Distracted? Me? No. Of course not. Why would I be distracted?" She reached for the salt shaker, but somehow missed and knocked it over. Salt puddled on the table. She chose to ignore it.

"The mediation was arduous. Neither the Ardelians nor the Bentakkans behaved in a rational manner."

She couldn't help smiling. "Perhaps not. But we reached an agreement nonetheless."

He frowned. "I'm not certain that telling the parties they must accept your solution or be vaporized constitutes an 'agreement.' Perhaps there is a connotation for the word that I am not familiar with."

She sighed. "Sometimes parties come to mediation knowing what the right solution is, but they are politically unable to accept it without an outside factor to point to. Both the Bentakkans and the Ardelians wanted to mine the dilithium on the planet, but neither dared appear to be the one who suggested a joint venture. I simply gave them the political 'out' they required."

"Then you should be pleased."

"I am."

"You do not appear so." He waited until he had her attention. "Your foot is tapping the floor in a staccato manner, you are moving your food rather than eating it, you are not smiling, and every four point 3 seconds you look to the door as if you are expecting someone. These actions are more indicative of nervousness than of celebration."

Kathryn stared at him for five full seconds. "All right, I admit I am a little distracted. I reached a decision about something today and I'm trying to figure out how to implement it."

"Would you care to discuss it? Perhaps I can be of assistance."

She almost laughed. "Thank you, but no. It's a personal matter and this isn't the place to talk about it. And … I'm not certain you would approve of my decision in any case."

"I see." After a pause, he went on. "I would approve of any decision that enhanced your well-being and supported your emotional health. You have lived in isolation far longer than is normal for a human."

Startled, she set her fork down and stared at him. "When did you become clairvoyant?"

"I am not. It does not require special gifts, however, to interpret some of your earlier comments. You told the Ardelians that they should stop living by the letter of their laws and look at the spirit behind them. You told the Bentakkans to stop trading the present for a future that might not happen. Then you told them both that they would be stronger together than individually and that they had learned enough about each other to know how to make the venture succeed. Considered in the context of a personal decision, it is not difficult to see where your thoughts have been today."

With a rueful smile, she shook her head. "Remind me not to play poker with you. You must already know my 'tells.'"

"I will add poker to the list. Having made your decision, why are you nervous?"

She looked around, making certain that no one was listening in on the conversation. "Because I don't know how … the other party… feels about it. It's a bit late in the day for this. I may have waited too long."

"I have heard Humans use that expression before – 'late in the day.' Vulcan does not have a corresponding idiom. We believe there is a time for everything." His expression softened somewhat. "Perhaps it is more accurate to say that it was not your time before now."

Hope leaped inside her. "Do you think so?"

"My thoughts are unimportant. You will not know until you ask … the other party."

"Ask," she repeated, wilting. "You make it sound so easy." She speared a piece of croquette and began to chew. The strongly tart taste made her wince. "What is in that?"

"Minced pickled leola root," he replied. "I did not ask about the other ingredients. I decided that this was one instance in which ignorance is bliss."  
***

She had her plan in mind by the time she reached her quarters. First, she would bathe, a hot bath to relax the muscles left tense and sore from the day's negotiations. Then she would change into something else…something soft and approachable, but not too suggestive. The blue dress, perhaps. And candles, lots of candles. And music. Something soft and a little bit sad, just loud enough to add ambiance to the room. Then she would ask him to come over and –

The door chime sounded louder than usual. Fighting back her frustration, she said, "Come."

Chakotay walked in, carrying a padd.

_Of course it's him. It would have to be. I feel like the universe is conspiring against me._

"Here's the final report on the mediation. I know you want to finish with this tonight." His smile faded. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. Absolutely nothing. Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"You look like you're about to jump out of your skin," he said bluntly. "It's not like you to be this nervous."

"I am not nervous." She snapped the words out and realized that she did indeed sound nervous, or worse, defensive. There was nothing she hated more than having her plans disrupted by an uncaring universe. She forced herself to relax, rubbing her neck to try to get the muscles to stand down from full alert. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm still wound up. I keep expecting an Alderian to pop up and start jabbering in my ear again. Their concept of personal space is considerably different than ours."

"I'd suggest some exercise but the holodecks are booked. Why don't you ask the Doctor for a massage?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, thank you. He may have a wonderful touch after a boxing match, but he's not exactly relaxing. He can't come close to you."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she wanted to pull them back in. The only time he had ever touched her was on New Earth. In all the years since, she had neither mentioned it nor even acknowledged that he was capable of a good back rub. It seemed safer that way. Why had she mentioned it now?

From the flicker in his eyes, she knew he was as surprised as she was that she brought it up. The pause was about to become awkward when he said quietly, "Why don't you sit down and let me try, then."

Her neck was stiff, and she did have the remnants of a headache, and she knew that it would feel heavenly. "Thank you." The straight-back chair at her table seemed safe enough; she sat and waited expectantly.

"Kathryn."

She looked up and over her shoulder, as far as her aching neck would permit, into his somewhat amused face. "Yes?"

"This will work better if you at least take your jacket off."

With a nervous sound that wasn't remotely close to her normal laugh, she peeled off the uniform jacket, leaving her in her turtleneck. She gave brief consideration to taking that off, too; after all, she had a tank top on beneath, which was still appropriate. It seemed too much, though, and she decided against it.

In a moment, his hands were on her neck, sliding beneath the collar and gently massaging the rigid muscles. It was every bit as good as she remembered. Practiced fingers moved over her skin, easing away the tightness. As she had the last time, she closed her eyes in bliss, noting how each finger seemed to work separately and yet as a whole.

As she had the last time, she melted into his touch, trusting it completely. And, as she had the last time, she felt the sudden change in her body as that trust ignited something dangerous inside her, something wild and sweet and uncontrollable.

Last time she had simply stiffened. This time she bolted straight up and out of the chair in sudden panic, straight into Chakotay's chin as he bent forward in concentration. He staggered back a step, holding his jaw and looking at her as if she had lost her mind.

"I'm so sorry," she began, and tried to step toward him. But her foot got tangled in the base of the chair and she – and the chair – went sprawling across the floor.

Neither of them said a word.

She lay with her face in the carpet and wondered if she could dig her way through the deck plating. It would probably be simpler to call for a site-to-site transport, except she really had no place to go and she wouldn't know how to explain her presence once she got there. It seemed unlikely that she would die in the next ten seconds.

Finally, she did the only thing she could do.

She started to laugh. Rolling to a sitting position, she laughed with deep and genuine humor. "Look at me," she said to him. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous this is? I’m forty-five years old. I’m a starship captain. I beat the Borg three times. I should be able to handle this with grace, with dignity, even a little style. But look at me. I’ve turned into a klutz, I’m dithering like a toddler and I’m scared."

She took the hand he offered and rose to her feet, blinked twice, and repeated, "I’m scared."

Now he really looked worried. She had never admitted being afraid of anything to him, not even of assimilation. He took both her hands. "Whatever it is, tell me. We can deal with it."

She took one deep breath. "I’m very much afraid that it’s too late."

"Too late for what?"

"For us."

At first he looked puzzled, and she felt her heart begin to pound. _Oh, god. What if he has no idea what I’m talking about? How embarrassing for him. What have I done?_

She saw it happen then – the confusion gave way to comprehension, and then to caution. "Kathryn, I don’t understand."

Gripping his hands tightly, she locked on to his gaze. "I love you. I’ve spent almost the entire day wondering if it’s too late for you to love me, too."

He said nothing. He simply stared at her.

"If it is, that’s all right, oh god, I don’t want to embarrass you, but I couldn’t think of any other way to ask, it’s not the sort of thing that comes up in casual conversation." The words poured out of her mouth, tumbling on top of each other in a rush to reassure him. "We won’t talk about it again, let’s just forget-"

"Kathryn." He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She held him tightly, her face against his chest. The embrace was filled with affection and tenderness and for a moment she let herself savor it. "Thank you for telling me."

She bit her lip to hold back the disappointment. He was being kind. He was a kind person, and he was her friend.

_It's too late._

_Don't make him any more uncomfortable than you already have. Let him get out of here without making it worse._ Swallowing the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat, she stepped back and smiled. At least, she tried to smile. "Well. That's enough of that. I guess I'll see you in the morning."

He gaped at her. "You're sending me away?"

She didn't understand his attitude. "I'm trying to give you a graceful exit so you don't have stay and make excuses. It's all right, Chakotay. I understand."

His lips curved slightly as he studied her. "No," he said slowly, "I don't think you do." Moving with deliberation, he put one hand on the small of her back and pulled her close to him again. The other hand went to her neck and tilted her head upwards. It seemed to Kathryn that time slowed down, that it took a lifetime before their bodies met. When his lips were no more than a heartbeat away he whispered, "But you will."

He kissed her once, lightly, barely more than a touch.

Then again. Longer, gentle, tender.

And again. Deeper. Probing. Persuasive.

That wild, sweet, uncontrollable something warmed again within her but this time she accepted it happily, melting against him and trying to evoke the same feelings in him.

After a while he raised his head and touched her face. "I love you, Kathryn. I always have."

Joy shot threw her, joy tinged with relief, with such force that it had to express itself somehow. She made a fist and thumped his chest. "That's for making me wait."

"I've waited five years," he replied.

That sobered her immediately. "I know. I wish it could have been different."

He ran a finger across her cheek, then let his hand fall to her shoulder. "I wish it could be different now."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing's really changed. However we feel about each other, we're still the captain and the first officer. We both know what that means."

His eyes were so sad that her heart twisted. "You're wrong," she said softly. "The risks are the same, but you and I are different. Time and the Delta quadrant have changed us both. We've learned so much. I think… I think we've learned enough to try."

"Maybe," he said slowly, "but now I'm the one who's afraid."

"Of what?"

"That we'll try and fail. That you'll change your mind. I don't think I could stand that."

Her heart began to pound again. "We won't fail. Do you realize, we've been in this quadrant for almost seven full years? That's 2,555 consecutive days that we've been together, give or take an away mission along the way. I haven't spent that much time with anyone as an adult. If we haven't killed each other yet, I think we'll make it."

He looked like he was about to say something, but he just pulled her to him again. This time there was more than affection in the embrace; there was need and belonging and joy. "I'd almost stopped hoping," he said into her hair. "The odds are against us, you know."

"I'm giving serious consideration to putting that on a plaque and hanging it on the bridge." She nuzzled his neck, relishing the feel of his closeness. "The odds are against us in every aspect of our lives in this quadrant. If we remember that every day, we might remember what we have to do to beat them."

He dropped a kiss on her head. "I've imagined this moment a lot of different ways, but never quite like this."

"Oh?" She looked up and grinned. "What happens now?"

He smiled, that broad wonderful smile that turned her knees to jelly. "This is the part where you say, 'take me, I'm yours' and we ride off into the sunset."

The laughter faded from her and she stepped back so he could see her, see that she had no hesitation or reluctance. "Take me," she said simply. "I'm yours."

He took her hand and raised it to his lips, and led her to her bed.  
***

The blanket was on the floor. The sheets were on the floor. Various articles of clothing were on the floor, on the chair, even hanging from the lamp. Chakotay lay sleeping beside her. It might just be her imagination, she conceded, but she thought he looked more peaceful than she had ever seen him.

Peaceful. That described how she felt. Peaceful and satisfied. Very, very satisfied. Lying on her back, she felt herself start to smile again. As long as she had waited to make this decision, as nervous as she had been about it, she knew with absolute certainty that it was right.

Moving carefully so she did not wake him, she left the bed and tiptoed around pants and boots into the main room. At the computer terminal, she sent a quick message to Tuvok informing him that she and Chakotay were taking a day of leave. She offered no explanation and knew that Tuvok would need none.

As she crawled back into bed, she pulled the sheet up around them both and snuggled against her lover. Odd, to use that word in referring to Chakotay. It seemed as insufficient as 'friend' had before. They were each of those things to one another, and yet somehow more.

He stirred, and without waking reached for her and pulled her close. She smiled; she was going to have to learn to sleep with a partner again. This was not going to be a once-in-while occurrence, she was sure of that.

 _We couldn't have done this before_ , she thought as she drifted to sleep. W _e weren't ready. It's not that it's late in the day. We just needed the fullness of time._

And then she slept.

-the end-


End file.
